Trees blur past my window as the train barrels toward its destination. Phoebe Bridgers and Sufjan Stevens gently lull in my ear. Another year home for the holidays. Except it doesn’t feel like home, it feels like something lingering I can’t quite reach. A feeling that cannot be named but resides deep inside. A longing for something more, for the past, for something I can’t quite get back. The trees are all stripped bare and the ground is brown and dull. The leaves have left and the snow hasn’t yet arrived. I have reached a time of reflection and memories. I think back to my childhood, not always joyful, and yet the holidays once felt like magic. The lights on the Christmas tree glimmering, the smell of delicious food made by my Nana, the gentle laughter of the adults in the room next door as we slowly drifted to sleep. My family once all got together, over 30 people celebrating together. Now there’s maybe 8 or 9. We have all flown the nest, spread across the country different places, and new homes. Yet I haven’t found my home yet, thrown place to place yearning for a simpler time. I think of my grandparent's house full of people, every room filled with those staying the night. As children, we would play in the woods and come back covered in snow to the hot cocoa my mother made. It was a time before the hate I know so vividly. Against who I am, my sibling, my friends, and my beliefs. I am disparaged and made to feel small even as I’m 22 and going through law school. The unity I felt so deeply as a child has been warped and tainted with feelings I can’t change. As I sit watching the river flow beside me I wish for that time back. And yet just as the river flows so does time and we can’t get it back. I cherish the memories I made while wishing for them back. This deep feeling I can’t always name normally comes down to one thing, nostalgia, a sentimental longing and wistful affection for the past.
This nostalgia may sound like it hinders my joy however now I find joy in new things. Despite the bare trees and dull ground as the sun sets the beautiful Appalachian mountains are set ablaze in a golden hue. I’ll get my Christmas tree while home and the forecast calls for snow. I’ll see some of my favorite cousins on Thanksgiving and I’ll enjoy my Nana’s cooking. My mom and siblings are excited to see me and hopefully, we can all play games together, just like when we were kids. I’ll get to visit my childhood town to see my dad and grandparents. I can almost smell my favorite dessert, my Nana’s apple pie, sitting on the table, and I’ll get the first slice. The tree will still glimmer and it will be one I picked. Christmas music will quietly play in the background as we decorate it. And, when I get back to NYC I’m going to see all the holiday decorations I adore, even if they are touristy. As I slowly watch the sunset the sky lighting up pink while Bon Iver plays in my headphones I know its not all bad. I have so many fears so much longing and yet everything keeps going, time doesn’t stop. And so I appreciate what I have now even if its not the same. I keep my childlike wonder because no matter what no one can take our joy and hope from us.
Written by Kat Reed
Photography by Rose Miller
Talent: Sophie Smith